Every time I look at my hand even when I don’t want to identify as a cancer patient I am reminded that I am due to a nurses neglect.

Every 21 days I go into the infusion center and a nurse is to find a vein and insert a needle that will be the vessel to carry the chemo and other cocktails of drugs to my body for about an three hours. When I went in for this treatment I was a pin cushion the nurse couldn’t find the best one to use. Even in my discomfort he insisted that there was no issue with the one he found and that I would be fine.

It was uncomfortable and I was extremely frustrated. After my appointment I reported I didn’t want that person again to treat me. The department of oncology is a sensitive department. We patiences are dealing with a lot of pain already that we don’t need nurses, doctors, medical assistance or similar to be dismissive of us.

Today I had to say a prayer for this guy because maybe he doesn’t even understand the impact, maybe he does. either way it’s my job to forgive what I am holding. My body is constantly changes and I am always reevaluating how I adjust to the journey.

The painful part I reflected on today is that there are people in charge of treating me that will never actually know how I feel or what this journey is all about.

Until next time.

You may not know this about me but 15 years ago I had a shaved head. I was experiencing a lot of stress in life and my hair was falling out every time I combed it that I needed to let it go. I was in a relationship at the time and it challenged what beauty was. It showed me what was valued in the man I thought loved me unconditionally.

Well here I am 15 years later with a bald head and a son who couldn’t love me more. I went down a rabbit hole about the significance of this. I realized a lot of things but the thing I found most profound is that God is a redeemer. He doesn’t redeem the way we want Him to but things get redeemed.

Last night I had a dream about loosing my hair again and being frustrated with why it was falling out because I thought I was healthy. God reminded me that I am not Samson my power doesn’t come from my hair. It’s not a secret power I possess that comes in my hair. I woke up so happy to have a head with no hair because I realized it takes a special type of woman with a specific type of confidence to walk around with no hair on her head, few teeth in her mouth and still smile all the while.

On this journey I have learned so much of myself. I have even died to my own value system which was probably the most painful but I am grateful for it.

I encourage you to be bold and brave in any situation you are in. God loves you more than the drama you are going through. Invite Him in to help take you to places this world will never.

Wednesday I got another drip and it took me out within 24 hours. It was pretty remarkable. I lost my sense of taste, my ability to stand up and stay awake. My work spun around and around. I smelled like these drugs for days, my mouth was dry and I crawled to the bathroom.

The things no one tells you is that when you are fighting for your life a peace of you actually has to die. The piece that needs to die is the one keeping you from the best version of yourself. For me I have been keeping the crumps of the old Krys around because she reminded me of who I could be and who I was she instill fears to keep me in line. Today I realized that those same crumbs of her that I can’t turn loose are the ones that make it hard for me to thrive it messes up my mental ability to focus God and my emotional dependency. The crumbs tell me tor rely on myself when the newest version of me wants to solely rely on God.

It’s a human struggle more than a cancer one. I have realized this past week that one of the very real things is the spiritual warfare that the Bible talks about.

I struggled because my prayer the week before was God show me clearly where I am missing the mark. Show me where I am struggling to get this cancer out of my body. The reality is that when I was preparing this week for chemo God told me to take communion with my medicine. I was obedient in that…I didn’t really understand why but as I sit here now I realize the power of Jesus’ blood and I can’t even image what the side effects would have been. had I not taken my communion and dedicated my body to God as a living sacrifice.

A dear friend reminded me the power of speaking God’s word over situations and it comes alive in us and through us. The past couple of days I may have smelled and suffered from a chemo drip but I also overcame by the power of Jesus Christ’s blood shed for me. The bible says I don’t have to fight this in my own strength

 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit,which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. ¹⁹ Pray also for me,that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰ for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. Ephesians 6:12-20

until next time pray for me and I will pray for you. God loves you and I love you too.

This morning I was struggled getting out of bed with yet another side effect of this chemo going through my body. I search for the joy in my heart because my body is saying something different. The more I search the tears pour down my face. My body is shedding weight, my skin is beginning to hang on my bones yet again. I lost my hair, and my smile is no longer as beautiful as it once was with all the teeth removed.

I realize that my joy was situational. My joy was my guiding point when life was looking hopeful and now it’s bleak and almost invisible. My faith in God is something I find myself fighting for moment to moment. Don’t get me wrong I believe in God, I believe that Jesus came, lived, died, rose again and then ascended to heaven. It just feels like my prayers are invisible in the book of life to God these days. There is a part of the human mind that when you see your body trying to give up it takes everything in you to fight that. God gives me the spiritual awareness to see that I am able to get through this. HOW? The grief is so heavy that joy, hope and faith seem to run away. I cry out and still find myself scrapping the bottom of the barrel of my beliefs. My God what is your plan here? How do you see this playing out? How much more pain, much more loss, how much more dedication? These are my questions my hearts cry.

Father God hear my cries from my heart. Please remove my sinful nature the things that cause me to doubt my worth to you. God please help me with my lack of knowledge of how to get through this and my questions that don’t align with what you want me to be focusing on. God please help me with the grief I am experiencing in these moments. Help me grow into the new person you want me to be as I am dying to self everyday I pray you raise me up to be a reflection of who you are in my life. I breathe my every breath as a testament of your glory my God. Help me rediscover joy in its purest form no matter the situation I face. God I need you more today than ever before please hear my pray in the might name of Jesus I pray amen.

The truth is that life is extremely challenging and no matter where I am on this journey I keep desiring to find God in it. Sometimes it’s harder than others and other times it’s super easy. Today I woke up and listened to Psalm 19 and really just wanted God to speak to me through it and this is what came from my time.

I often ask God where is the sin in my life and where am I falling short. What is keeping my life going in this direction. I can’t say I hear a direct answer but I feel sorrow in my heart for things that I have done, thoughts I have thought and things that I have said and ways I have behaved. I am not worthy of another moment on this earth it’s by God’s grace and mercy that I am able to even write this post. My breakthrough is coming. My healing is here my life is being restored but I have to accept that some things in my life have to die and I have to grieve that process also and it’s not filled with happy unicorns and gumdrops but it has His rainbow promise that He will never leave me. I stand on that. That is where I am.

Thank you for reading. Love you more than the tongue can speak.

Recently I worked with my son on his school project on the holocaust.  I am not going to lie, it was extremely frustrating because his generation is so far removed from this type of crime against humanity.  They only hear stories when they actually want to listen.  

I kept trying to explain points of compassion and the importance of being a great communicator.  Through the entire process there was a lot of frustration that my son would experience due to his lack of understanding that people could be so horrible.

In the midst of the conversation I realized that there was this guy Haman in the bible that also wanted to kill the Jews.  So we paused, watching and listening to the book of Esther.  The sanctity of human life is constantly positioned between emotions and levels of feeling set apart and superior to others.  

It went on for hours of conversations and expression of emotions and disappointments.  By the end I think we both understood and accepted that humanity is flawed, even ourselves. 

Then in that moment my son said – my thank God for hope.  It brought this song to mind.

As I listened “You keep hope” alive by Jon Reddick to it God reminded me that I am healing with hope… God keeps hope alive.  NO matter what we see happening on this earth we must trust that there is hope and a sovereign God who is saving us from ourselves.

Today my prayer is 

Father God please continue to restore hope to the moments that seem hopeless.  Ignite hope in the moments that we can struggle to keep our candle burning in our hearts toward you and your plans for us.  God please help us when we struggle being of this world and not of the Kingdom you have set apart for.  God please help us who have lost due to human frailty thinking that we are superior in any way shape or size.  Please forgive us for our ignorance in your sight.  God please help us love the way you love in the moments when we are struggling to love others please remind us how much you first loved us.  God as this world continues to become filled with anger and hatred please remind us of your love and your grace.  God we thank you for Jesus and his work on our behalf even in asking you to forgive us for we know not what we do.  I thank you Jesus for the wisdom and insight to pray for us when we were not of sound mind and body to pray for ourselves.  I thank you for your death, resurrection and ascension to be seated beside God in heavenly places.  I pray for myself, my son and all those who reach in the mighty name of Jesus amen.

Ok..so Ash Wednesday came and went…I didn’t see my catholic friends with the smudge on their forehead because I have been house bound and I lost track of time.

For those of you who don’t know what Ash Wednesday is… starts Lent(40 days of fasting and prayer) by focusing the Christian’s heart on repentance and prayer.

Now it’s Saturday and I am 4 days behind my prayer and fasting focus to connect with God in an extremely intentional way. So today I take a moment now and enter my prayer closet and seek God’s character, love, grace and mercy.

Father God I humbly write these words with a heart of thanksgiving because I know today I wasn’t promised to me. It was only because of Your plan for my life for me to be here. I thank you for my life, my family, my community. Thank you for allowing me to experience your love, your truth and wisdom. God today as I realize that I suffer in my own sin that I need you more on a moment basis than ever before. I lost a dear childhood friend and find myself frustrated with with you as an author of life. Not that I can understand why you make the choses you do or why you don’t make choices. I plead for peace in my spirit as her mother, brother and son navigate such a great loss with minimal answers to be shared. God how do you choose one of your children to come home and not have suffering and for others of your children to stay here. Please help me understand ay my limited comprehension. God I ask for your forgiveness and transformation in my heart where I have given access for bitterness or disappointment. I pray for healing in my spirit, my heart and in my mind that separates my truth from Yours. Please help me with my unbelief and my discontentment at times. God I thank you for all you have done for me and through me I pray that I continue to find gratitude in your presence. I pray for this and so much more in Jesus holy name amen.

Alright peeps – for those of you that got to this point in the post I thank you for staying with me on the journey.

Love you more than the tongue can speak.

Tonight I sat with my studies, my classes and my prayer call and kept thinking ‘God my cup feels so empty.’

My my my this mind of mine seems to be like hollow hallways with not much going on. empty spaces echos bouncing around

Sometimes we have to empty everything out so God can fill it up.

I have never been in a place where my life has felt so empty. It looks like a hopeless place but I am encouraged. I know that in this void in time that God has a blank canvas to restore to His settings. I pray for my mind to be renewed, my heart to only ache for God’s connection. As I continue to be a living sacrifice I watch God move in me. God, please pour out Your character into me. Help me not loose sight of who you are and where you are in my life.

Please God help me see the healing you are doing in me and around me even when I don’t feel it. I think my friend said it best – help me with my unbelief – disable any lies from becoming a dialogue in my head.

Let me see you the way you are where I can understand. Where I don’t understand please give me the wisdom to know you and see you. Help me see your children the way you do. Help me love better and be kind even in the face of fearful moments and moments that feel full of isolation.

God please help me with my human being moments because I know you are able to use me.

I pray this in Jesus name Amen.