Greatest escape artist

Though it was purposeful to go home to speak face to face with my family, it was also a realization that there will be many thoughts and desires on how to move forward. 

I kept thinking about situations in the past that made me feel as though I was alone. I was hoping this time it would be different. 

My prayer was God please help me with my faith and the relationships. I really needed the support of my family but was so use to be independent and the black sheep that I really needed my mentality to shift. 

I needed to believe my son and I’d best interest would come into play and supersede any previous experiences. 

I had space to process but my son felt neglected. Family dynamics are real especially when 3 generations are staying in one space. 

All of my past experiences, feelings and memories flooded my mind. I couldn’t escape the doubt, fear and even moments of depression. I hated every minute. 

How do you escape the reality that you aren’t even able to go 100 feet alone?  I couldn’t! 

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.

We boarded and the adventure began. 

I got discharged from the hospital and my friends came to get me. My mobility was horrible and I was beyond tired. 

Reunited with my son after about 9 hours which felt like a lifetime. He helped me up our 2 floor walk up and before we got to the apartment I began throwing up all the liquid intravenous medications. 

I had to find a ride to the airport. God reminded me of yet another dear couple of mine who were willing to do that. 

My son had to help me more than usual at this point. We packed and went to sleep for a few hours. 

My ex-husband showed up right before we left to bring the newly prescribed medicine and get an update on things.  I really don’t like talking about things with my ex-husband because he makes things complicated for no reason. But on this day February 12th he was extremely helpful. 

He made sure I got everything together and assisted me to my friend’s car to head out of town. Even in what appears to be the darkest moments God showed me glimpses of hope in the most unique ways. I was grateful for my ex husband in those moments. He helped us with a genuine love and care for not just our son but me as well. 

We get to the airport had been throwing up since I got up and made everything else that much more taxing to the trip. My 12-year old son had to navigate how to get me a wheelchair and to get us through the airport.  It felt like we were living in a nightmare. Our emotions have been going on an emotional roller coaster and no one would let us off. 

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.

The ER VISIT

A dear friend of mine and husband took me to pick my son up from school. Literally as soon as I locked eyes with him I got a call from the doctor’s office that I need to check into the hospital because my blood tests came in and I required immediate attention. 

Yikes… I didn’t even have a moment to tell my son this first level of news and I have to go to the hospital. So in true Krys fashion I asked to take him for ice cream so we can have some time. Mind you my sister already bought us tickets to go home. 

So we ate ice cream and laughed while inside I was full of sadness and a bit of fear. Having this conversation with my son meant I had to be strong and be his safe place while he navigated his own emotions. 

I wanted to chicken out and just say I had to go back to the hospital for something and would be back quickly but I didn’t even know if it was true. 

So I give him a superficial mom’s as sick as we thought actually more. He was able to stay with our friends but I had to go to the hospital and we will be going out of the state to see our family. 

The worry set in his eyes the reality that his mom wasn’t as healthy as we were praying. 

Instead of checking into the hospital I went to the ER. I explained that my doctor’s office called and said for me to check in, however I only have a few hours to do whatever is needed by the time I have my flight in the morning. 

I had to wait 3 hours to be seen which was so frustrating especially since they said it’s critical for me to go to the hospital.  The longer I waited the more anxious I got. 

Finally I got into a room with the most insensitive doctor but amazing nurses. They pumped me filled with meds and fluids based on the diagnosis of acute kidney disease. After a couple hours of this my body began to reject it. I asked to see the doctor and in the most inhumane way the doctor told me I was going to not make it through my trip if I didn’t continue the treatment which at that point I didn’t even care I wanted to go to my son, pack up and leave. 

The doctor didn’t release me and left me for yet another hour. By then I was nauseous and weaker than I entered. I informed them I needed to go. They assured me if I left the hospital in the state I was in I would get Covid 19 and any other infection someone had on the flight. I was willing to take the risk. 

So another hour under my belt rounding out to just about 7 hours. I told the nurse I will disconnect myself so I can leave. I was running out of time to get ready for my trip. Then it was a priority to release me – I left and the journey really began. 

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.

In the Process

Found no hope in the process

Hope was snatched from me in the blink of an eye.  All I could remember extremely vividly is the doctor appointment I had – where I heard for the first time ever come out of someone’s mouth – you have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, Invasive ductal cancer, positive for estrogen, negative progesterone and negative for Her2.  She delivered this news as if I were a robot without emotions.  

Even in the moments I was surprised, asked her to wait, even showed deep emotions she reminded me in such a non-verbal way that I was just a job to her.  My emotional state didn’t matter.  I expressed how difficult this news was to process in this way and after 30-60 seconds she disregarded my moment as if I was holding her up from the rest of her life.  

Whatever hope I had in those moments evaporated like water in 90 degrees.  

I didn’t really know what any of her words meant.  All I do know is that she wasn’t scheduling me for an immediate surgery and began speaking about a treatment plan.  No surgery, only a hormonal treatment for the rest of my life, which mind you she assured me I won’t have much of.  When she said I will die from this and gave me a timeline it wrecked me.  I was 40 years old!  It sucked.  

I kept thinking God what, why, how, when, do you hear this?  I felt like this was such a personal illness smashed with a death sentence.  I couldn’t breathe if I am honest the tears ran down my face faster than ever before in my life.

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.

His Mamma

I have always been super honest with my son… keeping secrets was never an option in our relationship.  So when I began not feeling well he expected me to have answers for him.

On a daily basis my son worried about what was wrong with me, why was I unable to be fully present, why was who he knew to be his mom not showing up with the same characteristics. 

I was unraveling the pain was too much to handle. The lack of mobility caused him to learn so many things so quickly just to survive.  Through it all we had honest conversations and prayed a lot for God to guide us both.  It’s not easy but it was simple.  Don’t hide in the situation and be as honest as you can so he can understand and navigate. The journey continues.

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.

Let’s Rewind

Let’s go on a journey of how I got here… this is a timeline of a broad stroke of getting diagnosis from October to February

Back in October 2021 – I woke up with a pain that felt like labor but there was no pregnancy.  I did my usual gotos  for body aches – epsom salt bath.  NO RELIEF!  I tried stretching, walking and even getting more rest… NOTHING …  NOTHING Changed!

For a couple weeks I tried to walk it off, stretch it away and soak it to rest.  It was only intensifying.  I scheduled an appointment with my doctor which took longer than I wanted but we were in the midst of a pandemic so what could I do?!?

I prayed, asked God to help me navigate what was going on and how to feel better.  He didn’t give me a direct answer – if I am honest He never does.  It was all about trusting the process.  I felt Him encourage me to push past regular action and be more aggressive in finding out what was going on.

In and out of doctors offices I went.  I found myself listening to incorrect diagnosis that didn’t align with what I knew my body was experiencing was super frustrating.   I continued to pray and God reminded me to not give up; the answer was there.  So I continued to ask questions of these specialists and unfortunately I was dismissed.  It was hard for me not to feel as though there was some disparity in my treatment but I kept hanging on to God’s direction.

I was gradually checking out on my life.  The things I found important were no longer areas I could focus on.  I was struggling with keeping myself together from day to day.  Every doctor’s appointment left me feeling less and less likely to find the cause but just treating the symptoms.  

The frustration, the limited mobility and extreme pain robbed me of moments to be fully present.  My heart broke – my pain was taking me to places I had never been before in my life. People in my life just didn’t understand the reality that I was living.   I was a stranger in my own body.  

I had to make a choice every day on how I was going to deal.  Then I began fasting (omitting eating and excessive television / social media from my daily activity)  within 6 days of starting my body began new symptoms and increased pain.  I was nauseous all the time and couldn’t keep food in, everything would come up within minutes to hours after eating or drinking.  Friends thought maybe it was food poisoning.  I lost over 9 pounds in 5 days. – This isn’t normal.  I finally decided to take more assertive action and go to urgent care and not leave until I got real answers. Urgent Care opened at 9:00am. I was there at 9:15am – I didn’t leave until around 6:55pm.  Again incorrect diagnosis that didn’t align with what I knew my body was experiencing.

After many tests and incomplete results I had to urge the doctor to treat me as if I were her to get the type of care and testing that would find something real.  It was time to stop looking superficially at things and really take a deeper look.

In that deeper look – I got a CT scan that began a process that would forever change my life and my relationship with God.

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.

Next path in my journey

Today I sat with gratitude knowing and accepting that God has designed me to be a vessel of praise.

This was probably the most difficult thing I had to do aside from getting a divorce and becoming a single mom.

To begin this process I had to find my worth, the value system to apply in my own life and the ability to get it done.

With your support of prayers, donations and even vulnerable conversations It’s been done!  My family and I are extremely grateful for you.

Thank you so much for your prayers and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.

It’s a Krysalis Thing

It started  in 2021 with a vision from God while I was in Hawaii.  During my prayer time God spoke to me clearly saying I will return to Hawaii with others to encounter Him.  12 women and 1 boy said yes.  There were very little details given as to what each step should be, God used my faith to build the experience.

As the retreat  began to take shape it was called Krysalis (Kri-sə-ləs) which focused on metamorphosis of our flesh and spiritual walk with God.  I  believed God  was developing a holistic approach to discipleship specifically for women within me.  I understood God’s  desire was to go on a journey with His children to encounter Him on the mountaintop.  Expecting to then encounter our true self and engage with others in a new way.  

To help others measure their expectations as they prepared I understood the biggest thing to overcome was to remember this isn’t a vacation opportunity.  It’s focused on spiritual, physical, financial, and emotional growth and planning future retreats.  This was about moments with God.  For each member to feel God’s love lavished on them specifically.  

This unique journey is seed for women who follow.  Each woman that went on this trip paved a way for the future.  We identified opportunities to have God encounters surrounded by 50 acres of land overlooking the ocean.

Thank you so much for your prayers and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.

The story continues please follow the blogs and videos posted.

Confirmation Came

Since I was a kid I was never really able to stay up too far after 9pm it’s just the way God made me. Last night I was up until about midnight listening to worship music and really just desiring the presence of God and His promises for my family and those that I love.

Long story short. I woke up this morning and the wind was blowing, the trees where shaking, the leaves were whispering and all I could hear over that was 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

This was so powerful that I looked around to see who was saying this… the truth is I had been desiring to hear God over all the noise in my life I wanted to know that the direction I was going in was correct. I had been fasting and praying and I wanted His stamp of approval.  

Sometimes God’s approval is the promises He has declared and decreed over our lives before we were even born.

I don’t know what you are waiting for, what choices you have to make, what you need to be saying yes to but you said no or the other way around. Be sure that if you can’t hear from God you have some people in your village that can.

I leave you with this thought.  
If I do nothing, something happens, if I do something something happens. – So what if you made some choices to do somethings. God has a way of highlighting next steps but sometimes we just need to be bold enough to take the first one.  

Love you more than you will ever know

The truth of His infinite love

It’s been a while since I have written on this platform for so many reasons. The biggest one is that I didn’t know that my voice mattered. In a world of life coaches saturating people’s timeline my ordinary life and way to face situations didn’t seem to fit the frame that coaches have set the frame of coaching.

The most beautiful part of saying this aloud is proof of transformation is to be honest. There is a moment when self love guided what I do. My higher power (God) is steadily holding up a reflection of who I am through the people I encounter on a daily basis. I realize that many years ago when God gave me the revelation of being a transformational coach. After years of training it made a lot of sense for me to pursue it daily.

Fast forward to 2022, I am living a life that has been transformed through the power of God. His love has lavished me in so many areas that my identity clings to Him. The transformations happened deep within on such a private level that God radiates on the outside of me.

God accepted my life as a living sacrifice righteous and pleasing to HIM. I will say there were highs and lows and unmet exceptions but God turned them into HIS good.

Where ever you are please be encouraged your voice matters, your journey matters, your mess is creating a message God can use to bring glory to His name. Continue to seek God no matter what things look like.