Today was the second day this week that a homeless person stepped in front of me to disrupt my day intentionally. They said extremely disrespectful things to me and brought a lot of attention to the situation. I did my best to stay calm, respectful, and not yell with frustration.
The part that really bugged me and still honestly bugs me is that one person did it in front of my son. She was beyond anything I could have imagined happening. My son still says he has nightmares about the encounter.
Now that some time has past and I have been trying to figure out why this happened. Obviously I am attracting these personalities to me and can’t understand it. Why am I so tormented by these experiences?
I forced myself to sit and reflect on where my heart is. What are my true beliefs and values around mental illness and homelessness? How could I have dealt with this differently?
As a young adult I use to be the type of person who would walk on the other side of the street when I saw a homeless person. I would act like I didn’t hear them speaking, or even worse pretend they didn’t even exist.
Time had passed and in an instant I was no different. Yup… I found myself homeless at the young age of 20! I spent many nights at a time in a greyhound bus station. I ran away from my family while in a state of depression. I thought I could figure things out pretty easily. It was a lonely place to find myself. I didn’t like their ways of doing things. I didn’t think I was sick as I was.
Though I didn’t stay homeless long, I remember the looks I received. I remember people saying mean things to me. I remember wondering when I was going to eat, shower, or even go to the bathroom somewhere safe. My most vivid memory is thinking how am I going to get myself out of this?!
Years past and I was employed, had my own job, on my way to having my own place. Homelessness became a distant memory. Depression seemed so far from who I had identified with. At a merely 24 years old I began traveling for work and things were so accessible for me.
As 25 crept into view memories began to flood back of who I have been. Depression, attempted suicide, cancer, homelessness, and rape all flashed through my mind. Isn’t it funny how our mind can replay all the bad stuff but rarely gives you a real of the good stuff!!!
I struggled. I struggled…and honestly maybe today at 37 I still struggle with some of it. Maybe when people see me they see a glimmer of themselves. Maybe it’s frustrating looking in the mirror at someone you don’t want to be. Either way I am confident that I love the journey people go on. I love the ability to express ourselves boldly with no apology.
This process makes progress challenging. I cling to my faith because humans continue to amaze me.
Till next time.
Lots of love,