I usually don’t go too deep into who I am and what I struggle with. I am a pretty private person who finds it extremely challenging to share myself with people and still want them around.
So this is a new thing for me. I am just coming off a three day weekend. Friday was therapy, Saturday was a marriage brunch, Sunday was church, and Monday was the sum of all fears.
This is not easy to write. It’s extremely deep and personal. It’s my current battle that I struggle with and I don’t want to hide behind anything.
I keep hearing my therapist say ‘You are co-creators in this marriage!’
Ugh, we co-created this hot mess of a marriage that bruised me and made me really think about my part in all this.
Flashback to Monday night – I burned the whole right side of my body with a pot of boiling water. This experience brought me tears.
I wish I could say it was the water splashing me and causing burns on the most sensitive parts of my body that caused the tears to flow.
Unfortunately, it was my own self destructive behavior that did it. In the midst of an argument I reacted with rage and hate. Not one of my finest moments to be honest.
I had been in the worst turmoil with myself and my husband. I felt as though I wasn’t being heard and I wasn’t listening.
This is not the way I wanted to end my three day weekend or my marriage honestly.
I literally ruined whatever shred of peace could have been in my house. I realized in this situation I am the bringer of chaos not love and peace.
This moment made me feel worse than any burn could have. I realized that the downfall of my marriage looks like a betrayal but really rests in the fact that I never was able to let go of thing prior to our relationship, I never listened, I stopped being kind, I stopped trusting, I actually stopped caring. I allowed myself to get stuck in myself and my pain. Not the greatest recipe for a successful marriage.
None of this is easy to say. It is actually extremely painful because I want to be mad at him. I want him to be the reason this didn’t work. I guess I could focus on that but as the burns sting my body I realize I also stung my husbands much deeper than I could ever imagine.
I was being negative, the list keeper, the discourager, the sword of death, and the killer of dreams. Though he did an action that felt dishonoring, my behavior also dishonored him. It made him feel justified to do it. I caused ruin in his life because instead of being the helpmate I was created to be.
Reflection is really important because it helps me see more clearly. I had an opportunity to stop pointing the finger at my husband and point it at myself.
“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:5 NIV
This scripture left me in the loving arms of God.
Heavenly Father, I have sinned against you and your son. I ask for your forgiveness. I have said things that I cannot take away. I brought dishonor to my husband as a person and as a fellow Christian. I have not been a great representative of wha the love of Christ truly is.
Father God, I am asking you to help me be corrected. Father please have your way in your discipline. I surrender my will to you and your desire for my life. Father please show my husband that even in my shortcomings I desire his presence in my life. Father I am grateful that you are a God f second, third, and fourth changes.
Father I pray I can see the lessons you want to teach me in this process. I pray that I am able to walk away feeling stronger because of you and be the beacon of life you designed me to be.
Father I pray all these things in the mighty name of my lord and savior Jesus Christ amen.