This morning our son witnessed the horror of his parents calling their marriage quits.
As I replay this in my mind I keep hearing my negative words, abusive language, and terrifying tone of voice. No person should endure such behavior.
I could make up so many excuses why it is alright that this happened. I can justify why I told my husband to leave. None of it matters. The elephant in the room of betrayal couldn’t keep quiet. It couldn’t act like it never happened. The elephant need to be seen and spoken about.
As I navigate therapy and daily events in our home the lurking of maybe today will be the day he will leave is a very daunting feeling. It screams at me in the dark places of my mind and tells me I can never be good enough for a man that I chose to have a child with. All of these things bring up a zillion and one thoughts of just how not enough I am.
My heart is broken. My confidence shattered. I want to escape all the pain but where do I go? Where is a hiding place for me to figure out all these emotions and all the things that keep weighing me down.
How do I begin to believe that a once loving and attentive husband can be that again now that he has grown cold and neglectful?
I ask these questions. I pray all the prayers. I am doing the work and still feel like my self confidence and esteem has been shattered. I don’t know how to come back from this. The pain is extremely deep. There are things that have been placed inside of me since my childhood that makes these moments steal every ounce of who I am.
I held my sons hand and prayed. I prayed for a husband that has never prayed for me. I prayed for a forgiving and loving heart toward someone that doesn’t respect or honor me. I cried with my son and apologized for where our life has gotten to. I cried for the pain I caused him for hearing me tell his dad to leave.
God I know you are out there I know you don’t give us more than we can handle so I am crying out. I am crying out for your sovereign hand to touch my marriage and guide it like only you can.
Krys Grant-Ray 