Found no hope in the process
Hope was snatched from me in the blink of an eye. All I could remember extremely vividly is the doctor appointment I had – where I heard for the first time ever come out of someone’s mouth – you have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, Invasive ductal cancer, positive for estrogen, negative progesterone and negative for Her2. She delivered this news as if I were a robot without emotions.
Even in the moments I was surprised, asked her to wait, even showed deep emotions she reminded me in such a non-verbal way that I was just a job to her. My emotional state didn’t matter. I expressed how difficult this news was to process in this way and after 30-60 seconds she disregarded my moment as if I was holding her up from the rest of her life.
Whatever hope I had in those moments evaporated like water in 90 degrees.
I didn’t really know what any of her words meant. All I do know is that she wasn’t scheduling me for an immediate surgery and began speaking about a treatment plan. No surgery, only a hormonal treatment for the rest of my life, which mind you she assured me I won’t have much of. When she said I will die from this and gave me a timeline it wrecked me. I was 40 years old! It sucked.
I kept thinking God what, why, how, when, do you hear this? I felt like this was such a personal illness smashed with a death sentence. I couldn’t breathe if I am honest the tears ran down my face faster than ever before in my life.
Thank you so much for your prayers, donations and dedication to God’s vision. Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments. I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost. So excited for the journey to continue.
Krys Grant-Ray 