I woke up this morning and spent some quiet time with God. I am experiencing some pain in a tooth extraction site that I absolutely thought was going to be healed already. I was praying and asking God ‘what’s going on why am I here’. The more I sat with God the more I got frustrated because He kept bringing to my attention the things I am navigating. The truth is lately I had been experiencing a lot of unfortunate events in the last couple of months. I thought this cancer journey was going to be over by now.
God kept revealing to me how each thing I am experience are things that deeply in my heart I feared. I really didn’t want to come face to face with death on any level (physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually) it seems that I feared death in my heart. Though I knew I would physically survive this journey I didn’t realize I was afraid of fully looking like ‘cancer patient’. it meant I would loose my hair, weight and be sick a lot more than I could imagine.
FLASHBACK
Just about a year ago from the time of this post I had been 10 days into this diagnosis that changed my life forever. Mind you I was already down about 30 pounds from my original weight, I was in a consistent state of pain, my mobility was lacking and brain fog was an issue for me.
I struggled with God, I didn’t know (maybe even believe) that I could have enough faith to survive the weight of this diagnosis. It wrecked me so bad that I flew home to be with my family. To sit and have serious conversations to navigate how I was going to move forward. I knew this going to take a healthy mind and a strong spiritual foundation because it’s attacking my entire body.
I sat in my sister’s family room for yet another day of utter discomfort. I was battling the THC in my system for the 3rd time that we thought would help with the pain. I wish I could say that it helped but all it did was give access to have a face to face encounter with the devil. This monster showed up vividly and treated to “take all my faith…to kill me from the inside out”. I felt I was being choked from the inside, I was throwing up for hours on end. We would play gospel music, read the Bible and pray and still Satan was lurking in the midst. There were specific words that we would speak that he would violently attach me with sharp pains, squeezed my esophagus and paced back and forth watching how my words didn’t align with the torture he was disseminating. Satan heard strategically as my family and I worshiped our way through this night not terror. The devil was relentless in his efforts to snatch my last breath. I finally said – ENOUGH- I will be going to bed now. He was no match for our praise to God and I survived the night. I woke up with a different type of fire burning inside. I decided that I wasn’t going to be taken out so easily.
FLASHFORWARD
I have been fighting for over a year – the strategy changed a bit, but I have been on the battle field.
I guess it’s time to acknowledge the fear in my heart that I haven’t considered. My prayer today is that God continue to heal my unbelief. To heal my doubts, restore my heart and ignite a new fire in my heart.
Krys Grant-Ray 