This morning I was struggled getting out of bed with yet another side effect of this chemo going through my body. I search for the joy in my heart because my body is saying something different. The more I search the tears pour down my face. My body is shedding weight, my skin is beginning to hang on my bones yet again. I lost my hair, and my smile is no longer as beautiful as it once was with all the teeth removed.
I realize that my joy was situational. My joy was my guiding point when life was looking hopeful and now it’s bleak and almost invisible. My faith in God is something I find myself fighting for moment to moment. Don’t get me wrong I believe in God, I believe that Jesus came, lived, died, rose again and then ascended to heaven. It just feels like my prayers are invisible in the book of life to God these days. There is a part of the human mind that when you see your body trying to give up it takes everything in you to fight that. God gives me the spiritual awareness to see that I am able to get through this. HOW? The grief is so heavy that joy, hope and faith seem to run away. I cry out and still find myself scrapping the bottom of the barrel of my beliefs. My God what is your plan here? How do you see this playing out? How much more pain, much more loss, how much more dedication? These are my questions my hearts cry.
Father God hear my cries from my heart. Please remove my sinful nature the things that cause me to doubt my worth to you. God please help me with my lack of knowledge of how to get through this and my questions that don’t align with what you want me to be focusing on. God please help me with the grief I am experiencing in these moments. Help me grow into the new person you want me to be as I am dying to self everyday I pray you raise me up to be a reflection of who you are in my life. I breathe my every breath as a testament of your glory my God. Help me rediscover joy in its purest form no matter the situation I face. God I need you more today than ever before please hear my pray in the might name of Jesus I pray amen.
The truth is that life is extremely challenging and no matter where I am on this journey I keep desiring to find God in it. Sometimes it’s harder than others and other times it’s super easy. Today I woke up and listened to Psalm 19 and really just wanted God to speak to me through it and this is what came from my time.
I often ask God where is the sin in my life and where am I falling short. What is keeping my life going in this direction. I can’t say I hear a direct answer but I feel sorrow in my heart for things that I have done, thoughts I have thought and things that I have said and ways I have behaved. I am not worthy of another moment on this earth it’s by God’s grace and mercy that I am able to even write this post. My breakthrough is coming. My healing is here my life is being restored but I have to accept that some things in my life have to die and I have to grieve that process also and it’s not filled with happy unicorns and gumdrops but it has His rainbow promise that He will never leave me. I stand on that. That is where I am.
Thank you for reading. Love you more than the tongue can speak.