Broken Hearted

As the background song plays ‘Where do broken hearts go’ by Whitney Houston. My heart is torn and into a million pieces. The lyrics jump out at me

“Where do broken hearts go? Can they find their way home…Back to the open arms…Of a love that’s waiting there?….And if somebody loves you…Won’t they always love you?”

I am acutely aware that this is a love song written for a man and woman but found those lyrics to be spot on for any type of love loss.

This weekend I got hit with an emotional Mack truck. I am in Thailand receiving treatment for this awful diagnosis and was also confronted with past emotional turmoil that began to burn at both ends for attention.

It’s almost midnight and I sit here with so many thoughts running through my mind. They are all so common for me and familiar I just don’t want to have them connected to me any more. I call out to God because let’s face it the loneliness time of the day is when you are alone and all the contacts in your phone are just not available for you… it’s lonely mentally to navigate. It’s emotionally a struggle to make sense of what is going on and it’s physically heavy. The good news is that God hears the cry. He places people, phrases, songs and His word in position to remind that alone is just a state of being for a moment.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. Psalm 23:1-3

He says in His word He will lead me and refresh my soul so today I before I lay my head down I pray for a refreshed soul, mind, body and spirit. Whatever and where ever I am out of spiritual alignment with God I pray He help me work it out and quickly.

Broken hearts take time to mend but God is the greatest physician and I trust Him with my EVERYTHING.

Week 2 do what You Do!

I am back in Bangkok after spending a weekend resting in Pattaya. I am super hopeful about this week of treatment.

So I am grateful for week 1 because it held up a mirror to areas I need to work on. I will not give up, I will not back down, I was designed to win and be victorious. I will armor up and hit the battlefield. Letting my life continue to be a outward expression of God’s compassion, truth, love and healing power. My faith is not in the treatment alone but in God’s desire for me to experience Him in a new way.

This week I plan to attack this week in full armor of God and prayed up beyond measure. I didn’t know what to expect last week but now I understand how intense it is to really fight for your life in treatment. SO many conversations internally trying to figure out if I even wanted to make it to this point.

Here is what I have learned about myself

  1. I need God more than I ever thought to do things I never thought I could do.
  2. I am absolutely only as strong as I allow God to be in me
  3. That I miss my son every second of everyday and a telephone call doesn’t fix it
  4. My expectations are usually off when it comes to human capacity
  5. Creating – writing and painting have been an absolute must for me to continue strong

Until next time journey companions I wish you the best on your journey. As my mom says “Chin Up!” Love you more than you will ever know.

In a Thai minute

So last night Thailand time / middle of the morning LA time I wake up in a cold sweat. I felt so alone. Sat up on the pull-out sofa only to see a table of freshly made veggies and chicken with a bowl of soup left for me.

I ate and scrolled the web for what sites I want to see while I am not in treatment. Did I mention that I am not in Bangkok – I am Pattaya – which is about 1.5 hours away near the gulf of Thailand.

Ok so there were two sites I am confident I want to see here one is the Sanctuary of Truth and the second is an Elephant Village. I began to get excited about getting my treatments during the day and returning to here on the weekends and soak up some of the sites and really enjoy my time in nature and culture.

I read so much about the sites I learned more than I earned for.

The Sanctuary of Truth is a castle that they started construction in 1981. That was 42 years 8 months 9 days (as listed on the their site). Then my brain started spinning and took a run down a rabbit hole to when I was born until now  was 41 years, 4 months and 5 days ago, which is 15,103 days. Ok… now this is becoming more and more of a must see in my book.

As I continued on the page I learned this is the largest wooden castle in the world. Then this extremely jaw dropping sentence:

Everyone will find the meaning of life that “Who are we, where did we come from? how to live How will life go on? and what is the purpose of life?”

What a sentence… Everyone will find the meaning of life… Who are we, where do we come from, how to live, how will life go on, what is the purpose of life…I mean this really sums up what fighting a deadly diagnosis makes you think about…”How can this one site add so much value to my healing” I think immediately.

Then it goes on to have a page about discovering (which while writing this my hand immediately put discerning-note to self) the truth. Discovering the Truth… it’s a 7 pillar situation so here are the cliff notes

Truth #1 “Who are we?  Where are we from?”
Four elements formed- earth, water, wind, and fire! Bringing light to the equality of human beings different in races, religions, or conditions, but we all have the same destination in the end.

Truth # 2 “How do we live our lives?” The natural law of life.  The human life cycle of birth, aging, and pain that common nature will.

Truth #3 “The End of Life”. The final stage of a life cycle is “death” – What is left behind are those things accomplished for others once you.

Truth #4 “Samples of Civilization” Each story and goodness still affect the lives of the next generation.

Truth #5 “What is a life goal?”  show a path of answer guidelines for practice 

Truth #6 “Society is like a two-sided coin” represent the guidance path of how to compromise and what shall happen if we choose not to do.

Truth #7 “The beginning of society” Family represents the bond between people in the family which reminds us of the true love of parents, what they had sacrificed, and what have we done for them.

So I listed all of these to then tell you how my imagination went on an adventure. I imagined I was loved completely by a man, I made cake that others enjoyed and invested their time in learning and I was surrounded by community. IT was part of my own truth that I needed to come to grips with…I may have not figured that out without surfing the web to find sites to see.

Until tomorrow my lovely friends. Sending all the love in the world right to your heart.

The adventure continues.

Pause! Stop! Wait a minute!

So this morning I landed in Hong Kong… it was dark, the airport was empty and I really needed a charge on my devices … LITERALLY nothing was working. I was reminded to just BREATHE!

All my planning didn’t prepare me for these moments. IN a new place, unfamiliar faces and spaces and a huge language barrier doesn’t help me achieve what I need to.

My new reality is that I am a stranger in a strange land and don’t know the language. I log onto the wifi via my laptop and start trying to figure things out but it takes over an hour and I am rapidly learning that a lot of my favorite sites and ways to communicate will not work. After hours of trying different things find a moment to just take in the reality that I am on an adventure of a lifetime.

I am in China – headed to Thailand for an increased quality of life with the hope that God sees fit to let me see healing on this side of heaven.

There aren’t enough words to express all of what I am feeling at this moment but I will say having my computer is giving me the freedom to at least release creatively. I am going to spend a lot of time with God during this trip. I am going to connect with my dad also which is an adventure in and of it’s self if you know us.

The thing / person I miss most right now is my little guy. I am so excited to get better and go back home and love on him more than he can even imagine.

Well – now it’s time to wonder the airport and see what I can see. Until the next post – pray for me and I will pray for you.

Hong Kong Airport

Greatest escape artist

Though it was purposeful to go home to speak face to face with my family, it was also a realization that there will be many thoughts and desires on how to move forward. 

I kept thinking about situations in the past that made me feel as though I was alone. I was hoping this time it would be different. 

My prayer was God please help me with my faith and the relationships. I really needed the support of my family but was so use to be independent and the black sheep that I really needed my mentality to shift. 

I needed to believe my son and I’d best interest would come into play and supersede any previous experiences. 

I had space to process but my son felt neglected. Family dynamics are real especially when 3 generations are staying in one space. 

All of my past experiences, feelings and memories flooded my mind. I couldn’t escape the doubt, fear and even moments of depression. I hated every minute. 

How do you escape the reality that you aren’t even able to go 100 feet alone?  I couldn’t! 

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.

We boarded and the adventure began. 

I got discharged from the hospital and my friends came to get me. My mobility was horrible and I was beyond tired. 

Reunited with my son after about 9 hours which felt like a lifetime. He helped me up our 2 floor walk up and before we got to the apartment I began throwing up all the liquid intravenous medications. 

I had to find a ride to the airport. God reminded me of yet another dear couple of mine who were willing to do that. 

My son had to help me more than usual at this point. We packed and went to sleep for a few hours. 

My ex-husband showed up right before we left to bring the newly prescribed medicine and get an update on things.  I really don’t like talking about things with my ex-husband because he makes things complicated for no reason. But on this day February 12th he was extremely helpful. 

He made sure I got everything together and assisted me to my friend’s car to head out of town. Even in what appears to be the darkest moments God showed me glimpses of hope in the most unique ways. I was grateful for my ex husband in those moments. He helped us with a genuine love and care for not just our son but me as well. 

We get to the airport had been throwing up since I got up and made everything else that much more taxing to the trip. My 12-year old son had to navigate how to get me a wheelchair and to get us through the airport.  It felt like we were living in a nightmare. Our emotions have been going on an emotional roller coaster and no one would let us off. 

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.

The ER VISIT

A dear friend of mine and husband took me to pick my son up from school. Literally as soon as I locked eyes with him I got a call from the doctor’s office that I need to check into the hospital because my blood tests came in and I required immediate attention. 

Yikes… I didn’t even have a moment to tell my son this first level of news and I have to go to the hospital. So in true Krys fashion I asked to take him for ice cream so we can have some time. Mind you my sister already bought us tickets to go home. 

So we ate ice cream and laughed while inside I was full of sadness and a bit of fear. Having this conversation with my son meant I had to be strong and be his safe place while he navigated his own emotions. 

I wanted to chicken out and just say I had to go back to the hospital for something and would be back quickly but I didn’t even know if it was true. 

So I give him a superficial mom’s as sick as we thought actually more. He was able to stay with our friends but I had to go to the hospital and we will be going out of the state to see our family. 

The worry set in his eyes the reality that his mom wasn’t as healthy as we were praying. 

Instead of checking into the hospital I went to the ER. I explained that my doctor’s office called and said for me to check in, however I only have a few hours to do whatever is needed by the time I have my flight in the morning. 

I had to wait 3 hours to be seen which was so frustrating especially since they said it’s critical for me to go to the hospital.  The longer I waited the more anxious I got. 

Finally I got into a room with the most insensitive doctor but amazing nurses. They pumped me filled with meds and fluids based on the diagnosis of acute kidney disease. After a couple hours of this my body began to reject it. I asked to see the doctor and in the most inhumane way the doctor told me I was going to not make it through my trip if I didn’t continue the treatment which at that point I didn’t even care I wanted to go to my son, pack up and leave. 

The doctor didn’t release me and left me for yet another hour. By then I was nauseous and weaker than I entered. I informed them I needed to go. They assured me if I left the hospital in the state I was in I would get Covid 19 and any other infection someone had on the flight. I was willing to take the risk. 

So another hour under my belt rounding out to just about 7 hours. I told the nurse I will disconnect myself so I can leave. I was running out of time to get ready for my trip. Then it was a priority to release me – I left and the journey really began. 

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.

In the Process

Found no hope in the process

Hope was snatched from me in the blink of an eye.  All I could remember extremely vividly is the doctor appointment I had – where I heard for the first time ever come out of someone’s mouth – you have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, Invasive ductal cancer, positive for estrogen, negative progesterone and negative for Her2.  She delivered this news as if I were a robot without emotions.  

Even in the moments I was surprised, asked her to wait, even showed deep emotions she reminded me in such a non-verbal way that I was just a job to her.  My emotional state didn’t matter.  I expressed how difficult this news was to process in this way and after 30-60 seconds she disregarded my moment as if I was holding her up from the rest of her life.  

Whatever hope I had in those moments evaporated like water in 90 degrees.  

I didn’t really know what any of her words meant.  All I do know is that she wasn’t scheduling me for an immediate surgery and began speaking about a treatment plan.  No surgery, only a hormonal treatment for the rest of my life, which mind you she assured me I won’t have much of.  When she said I will die from this and gave me a timeline it wrecked me.  I was 40 years old!  It sucked.  

I kept thinking God what, why, how, when, do you hear this?  I felt like this was such a personal illness smashed with a death sentence.  I couldn’t breathe if I am honest the tears ran down my face faster than ever before in my life.

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.

His Mamma

I have always been super honest with my son… keeping secrets was never an option in our relationship.  So when I began not feeling well he expected me to have answers for him.

On a daily basis my son worried about what was wrong with me, why was I unable to be fully present, why was who he knew to be his mom not showing up with the same characteristics. 

I was unraveling the pain was too much to handle. The lack of mobility caused him to learn so many things so quickly just to survive.  Through it all we had honest conversations and prayed a lot for God to guide us both.  It’s not easy but it was simple.  Don’t hide in the situation and be as honest as you can so he can understand and navigate. The journey continues.

Thank you so much for your prayers, donations  and dedication to God’s vision.  Look forward to growing closer and setting a space of intentional God moments.  I am committed to leaning in and pressing forward no matter what the cost.  So excited for the journey to continue.