Good morning journey companion,
As the holiday festivities are beginning to fill the calendar I am reminded of every misstep, bad choice, broken promise, and sense of isolation that led me to this place of brokenness.
As I acknowledge that I am living on the muscle always ready to fight I also acknowledge that I have been living on the run. I have been the greatest escape artist when it comes to really walking out the pains and frustrations of life.
Time after time I find myself defending, being defensive, or feel like I should have defended some area of my life – or the choices I have made to someone on the outside judging it.
Day after day I am confronted with the reality of what worked for me in the past won’t work for me moving forward.
Thought after thought I am shifting through memories of hopelessness, being and feeling defeated, and even faithless moments in times that left me feeling worthless and unwanted.
Pulling myself up after ever knock out so I can survive has been my only way to live. Stuff the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, and insecurities into a box and push forward. Don’t let them see it gets to you.
As I am pulling myself up this time surviving isn’t an option. I need to thrive. I need to dig deeper, I need to do some things differently, I have to accept my part in this vicious cycle called my life.
I have to make a choice to not live on the muscle. I have to choose God more than my feelings. In my pool of tears I am broken and seeking to be put back together. I don’t want to be the same person. I want God to break off layer by layer of rejection, self hatred, doubt, fear, insecurities, and even the things I don’t know how to identify.
I lay my life at the feet of God. I am asking for forgiveness, I am confessing my pride has kept me from authentic relationship with God. I am surrendering my life. I am looking to be used as a vessel for God not for man in this human experience.
Nothing is more important to me that being healed and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort in the presence of God.
Well those are my thoughts for now. Praying your holiday season has begun better than mine.
Love you always,