I sat in a doctors office last year on February 11, 2022 as she comfortably handed me a deadly diagnosis attached to a short term death sentence. She ensured me that the longest I could live is possibly 2 years and the soonest I would leave this earth would be 6 months. So far she was terribly incorrect about her educated conversation. For a moment I allowed her words to penetrate me.
They repeated and repeated on a loop time ticking by like a bomb I never pulled the pin out of. How do I put everything that I ever wanted to do into an itemized list and tackle? How do I fight a fight that I never signed up for?
Moment by moment I pray, I ask God to help me. I need to hear Him, I need to feel that I am ok. It’s by far the most difficult thing I have ever been tasked with. The pain that I endure day to day literally blows my mind. If it’s not physical then it’s emotional. If it’s not emotional then it’s mental if it’s not mental it’s financial. OMG the devil came hard to take me out.
As much as I don’t like to think of myself fighting cancer I realize I am a warrior and cancer is fighting me to stay inside. It’s fighting to have space in my life and the more I push it out the harder it comes…kind of like the annoying friend you just can’t get rid of.
All this to say – it’s been 365 days around the sun and no matter the medication, the feelings, the pains and the struggle I am still here.
Sometimes we listen to what others say because it has weight to bring us to our most powerful self. Today I thank the doctor for her misguided words and lack of empathy because it light a fire in me that I never thought I had.
Though I am sad at times due to the lack of control I find more pleasure in life than ever before.
Cheers to new beginnings. Love you more than you will ever know.